was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
