Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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