i jhust puked up my retainher.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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