I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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