Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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