My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
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I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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