break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
