i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
