so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
