I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
