i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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