If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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