drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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