One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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