btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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