More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
