i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
