I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
