my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
