Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
