So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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