i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
