My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Porn is love you can see.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
