I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
