wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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