I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.