I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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