I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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