Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
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She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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