I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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