are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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