im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
