I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
