barbara walters just said penis...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
