What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
