I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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