He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Success! We fucked roommates!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
