I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Soap is not a condiment
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
