ya dads aren't the best wingmen
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i barfeds in our rink
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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