I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
