White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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