My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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