you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
