I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
