Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
