Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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