Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
