how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
