Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
