wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
