I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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