the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
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Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize