Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You're like the curious george of whores
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
