i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
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I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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