We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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