I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize