My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
