I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
