My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
